“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
drew a comic about my origin story
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder