Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
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Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.