“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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listen closely
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
mood
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Mornin. * use accordingly
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again