“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.