@junejuly12

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

You Might Also Like

@perlhack

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

@daemonic3

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

@ProdigyNelson

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in

@Reverend_Scott

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

@ScottLinnen

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

@BberrySurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@VirgoSherry

My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.