Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

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[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check


“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”


Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in


SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy


There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.


Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.


“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.


My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.