Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]


Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.


I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.


BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great


*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]


“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?


[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.


No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.


My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.