Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI