I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.