Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
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Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
5 ways to appear taller
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker