Sting : 🎶 Don’t stand so close to me🎶

CDC: He gets it

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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.


How am I supposed to drink responsibly when responsibility is the whole damn reason I drink?


Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.


Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?

Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.


We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.


Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle
Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no
Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo


Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?


Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them


Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.


ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha

PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord