@Kryzazy

Sting : 🎶 Don’t stand so close to me🎶

CDC: He gets it

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@KentWGraham

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

@bombchelle87

How am I supposed to drink responsibly when responsibility is the whole damn reason I drink?

@TechnicallyRon

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

@beefman138

Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?

Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.

@bestestname

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

@michaeljhudson

Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle
Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no
Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo

@mrtruthandsoul

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

@dumbbeezie

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

@HaliPhacks

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.

@Home_Halfway

ME: Natasha is short for Sodiumtasha

PRIEST: My son, do you have a confession or are you here to torture the lord