I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Sting : 🎶 Don’t stand so close to me🎶
CDC: He gets it
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
date: I’m super outgoing and active so I’d definitely be a dog. what about you?
me, staring out the window: most koalas die falling out of trees because they just forget to hold on, so that’s probably where I’m at in the animal kingdom
I like to make things awkward on first dates just by shouting “wrong hole!!” at inappropriate times, like when you’re eating.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*
My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
The founder of Adidas went by the nickname Adi, because his real name – Adolf – has become rather unpopular.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.