Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?