Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here
Obama: joe im on the phone
Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.