[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
me when I see my crush
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Going to church you guys need anything
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.