@chuuew

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

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@roostermustache

Biden: can i put whoopee cushions under all the chairs before he gets here

Obama: joe im on the phone

Biden:*muttering* u didnt say not to

@elle91

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

@Darlainky

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

@shashaintl

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

@SufficientCharm

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

@ieatanddrink

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

@Reverend_Scott

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

@OhhScarlet23

My husband and I have been in an open marriage for five years. I hope he’s ok with it when he finds out.

@jwoodham

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.