[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom: