Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try

Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

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I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

it’s not been my year

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

an octopus is just a wet spider

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes