@stanleybehrman

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

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@Tobi_Is_Fab

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

@TheToddWilliams

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

@smokedesign

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@mjkspeaks

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

@heckinglame

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

@FunnyBison

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single