Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
😎 🍻
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.