“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

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*at an AA meeting*

“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”

*gets aggressively escorted out*


I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.


Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”


Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.


[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*


*puts hand on your knee

*slowly moves up your thigh

*runs over your hip

*drags finger up your stomach

*grabs remote

*changes channel


Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”


I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.


My voicemail greeting:

Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.


if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat