“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
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5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
brian had himself a morning…
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.