*at an AA meeting*
“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”
*gets aggressively escorted out*
Me, at my organ recital.
(Not even slightly sorry)
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
*puts hand on your knee
*slowly moves up your thigh
*runs over your hip
*drags finger up your stomach
Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”
I need some sugar. Not the stupid kind that gives you mono, but the good kind that gives you diabetes.
My voicemail greeting:
Hey, it’s me. Please hang up and text me.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat