STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.