I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY: That’s the ball