*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Something Saturday.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.