@myonlymizztake

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@MarfSalvador

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

@mrjohntofu

I’m not sure why banks tie down pens that don’t work.

@fro_vo

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

@ProdigyNelson

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

@WFLA

Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free

@eedrk

doctor: you know how to measure your bowel movements
me: yeah of course
doctor: you weigh yourself before and after
me: [15 Sec pause] yeah

@Freak_N_Geeky

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

@Lisabug74

Like prison, most don’t learn the life of crime till locked up. Like twitter, I learned to creep into houses and quietly eat their cheese.

@ArfMeasures

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok