[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.