stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.


Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.


I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.


[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail


If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.


My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.


The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.


My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.


[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible


Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.