stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

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Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.


BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.


Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire




The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof


[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air


CEO: really strong air


I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!


I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.



Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep


My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.