@50FirstTates

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@Sanbel11

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

@ArfMeasures

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

@ObscureAaron

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

@Lhlodder

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

@JohnHilsen

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

@TravLeBlanc

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

@humanaaron

[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible

@Jack_Wagon1

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.