@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

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@Maddy_ubert

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

@dumbbeezie

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

@rachelle_mandik

most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you

@Phook75

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response

@PinkCamoTO

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

@iamspacegirl

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

@sucittaM

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

@crocodilethumbs

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home