Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
You Might Also Like
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
This whiskey tastes like I should tell you what your problem is.