Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.