“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
My last name is Zilla.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.