@MaryannSaintM

Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I’m too nice of a person to tell you I’m surprised you got laid in the first place.

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@impaulmccoy

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

@SirEviscerate

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

@SentenceReduced

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

@drunkNnaughty

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

@Mom_Overboard

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

@Tdf41

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

@outsmartedmommy

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

@TheToddWilliams

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

@UnFitz

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*