Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I’m too nice of a person to tell you I’m surprised you got laid in the first place.

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Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.


ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.


I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.


I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.


Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology


I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.


The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.


[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.


[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*