@MaryannSaintM

Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I’m too nice of a person to tell you I’m surprised you got laid in the first place.

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@Sam_From_Kansas

Alan from Facebook is concerned about “boarder” control and thinks they should “learn our langage”

@earnestaugust

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

@causticbob

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

@iinkedZombie

ME: were you paying attention to anything I said?

9 YEAR OLD: I don’t even pay attention to anything I say.

@jellybnbonanza

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

@h0sh1ko

GUYS THE TEQUILA KARAOKE GUY MADE IT TO AMERICA’S GOT TALENT AND ACTUALLY GOT FOUR YESES IM CRYING

@liv_thatsme

If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I’m annoyed