@FredTaming [ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
@MaryannSaintM Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I’m too nice of a person to tell you I’m surprised you got laid in the first place.
Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I’m too nice of a person to tell you I’m surprised you got laid in the first place.
- @MaryannSaintM
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@FredTaming 
@AsgardianRose Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
@mynameshank My therapist cries “Why me?” for the full hour.
@SocialustGal13 I don’t hate you. Hate is such a strong word. I just want to tickle your brain with this ice pick.
@PeterClayton6 My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
@GrantTanaka Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
@mrjohndarby ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here
ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?
ANGEL:
ME: Holy sheet
@OllyiConic prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
@alexivenegas_ Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
@rockymomax [in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me