Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
This kid will have a bright future.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”