My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late