Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
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Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him