My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.
Stop being racist to kettles.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
boss: can we talk?
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer