@gorrdano

Stop being racist to kettles.

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@underrateDad

My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

@OneStopComedy

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

@gabbybendel

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

@AbbieEvansXO

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

@SilenceDogood81

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

@Tbone7219

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

@JD_KC

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

@beefman138

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

@bonehugsnirony

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer