Things I’m doing today
* going to the gym
* having sex
Stop being racist to kettles.
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If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.
Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book