@gorrdano

Stop being racist to kettles.

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@CalmTomb

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

@reallifemommy3

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
–Superman, probably

@1MeLrO

I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.

@web_supergirl

Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.

@PinkCamoTO

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

@TigNotaro

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

@DrakeGatsby

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book