Stop being racist to kettles.

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If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.


If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly


I’m not getting enough attention when I go out so I’m gonna wear a tight spandex suit w/ my underpants on the outside.
–Superman, probably


I only feel really dirty when I go to the grocery store now.


Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.


“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir


The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?


[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.


“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book