Stop being racist to kettles.
You Might Also Like
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If I ignore life will it go away?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*