Stop being racist to kettles.
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A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
some Old Testament wisdom
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.