Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.
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Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My wife googled “when is it safe to leave a child at home alone” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.
Anytime I see a motorcyclist weaving in and out of traffic and performing tricks
I always root for the pavement
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock