Stop being so hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.

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Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too


Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.


it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.


My wife googled “when is it safe to leave a child at home alone” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.


Anytime I see a motorcyclist weaving in and out of traffic and performing tricks

I always root for the pavement


You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.


The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.


Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card


My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.