I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
bad news gang
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
i meant to share this earlier
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“How’s your day going?”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.