Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.