Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
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I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal