@mariana057

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

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@captainkalvis

[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE

@AaronFullerton

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

@mommajessiec

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

@tigersgoroooar

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

@UhhhJasonWebb

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

@LostFelicia

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

@MelvinofYork

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that