Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

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[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE


Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”


8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.


COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no


Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.


“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad


Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.


Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that