“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
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My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.