@mariana057

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

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@daemonic3

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

@CauseWereGuys

My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago

@JennyPentland

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

@tanbotha24

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

@_NTFG_

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

@Metalligretch

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

@VeggieMonger

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

@jellybnbonanza

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

@DannyZuker

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.