Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
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Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
forgive me baja for i have blast
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy