Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.