Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
I saw nothing
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.