Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.