Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.