@JohnHilsen

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

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@iGreenMonk

Small kid : Mom what happens when you die?

Mom : Your soul will go to heaven.

Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

@Jarhead44

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

@BrettDruck

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

@salamingia

Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.

@JermHimselfish

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

@SurgicalTurtle

ME: [screaming into the void]
THE VOID: please untag me from this thread