Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Legend 🤣🤣
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I pray every night that I never become religious…
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen