FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My wedding will be open casket.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Seek kebab; not attention
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell