@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want

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@mommy_cusses

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

@EndhooS

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

@mrtruthandsoul

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

@treywafer

On behalf of black people, I’d like to apologize for Nicki Minaj

@ojedge

[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]

@notviking

every night before we put our dog in his kennel me and my girlfriend pretend we are sentencing him to prison for a different crime. she always jails him for crimes like being too cute or aggravated fluff while i sentence him for things like conspiracy to commit arson or fraud

@JohnLyonTweets

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

@heymonroe

14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel’s ‘We didn’t start the fire’ has done nothing for our career.