Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
this could fix me
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend