STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
You Might Also Like
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused