Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
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I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito