Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
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You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.