@Anniewritess

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

You Might Also Like

@SomthinBoutSara

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

@aksorojas

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

@chrellsangel

DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.

@not_thenanny

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

@Breadery

There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.

@r_ss_ll

my wife: i’m loyal to a fault

me: oh so i’m a fault now

@sixfootcandy

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

@fillthevacuum

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.