House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Always the camel, never the toe.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.