Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
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I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
DATE: It’s expensive here.
ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
my wife: i’m loyal to a fault
me: oh so i’m a fault now
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Noah’s diary – 39th day:
“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.