genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?