Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I can’t deal with men any longer
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.