“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.