“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up