“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
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i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really