“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

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Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep


When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.


her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia


Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.


Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,



Everyone born in December.


Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out


They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?


Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say “wrong hole”


[at interview]

Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you.

Me: I’m good with numbers.