@kristinseltman

“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill

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@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

@ClichedOut

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

@ADDiane

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

@sixfootcandy

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

@ArfMeasures

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

@KeyLimeShy

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

@Sassafrantz

Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say “wrong hole”

@TheMichaelRock

[at interview]

Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you.

Me: I’m good with numbers.