“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
You Might Also Like
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Everyone born in December.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say “wrong hole”
Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you.
Me: I’m good with numbers.