@JoeKing4King

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

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@RickAaron

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

@GrantTanaka

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

@NoticablyBacon

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

@yoyoha

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.

@PoodleSnarf

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

@theshamingofjay

“Sit”
dog sits

“Down”
dog lays down on floor

“Play Dead”
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids

@smerobin

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

@RodLacroix

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.