Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.