Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
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3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)
Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner