@JoeKing4King

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

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@daddydoubts

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

@KaysNH

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

@sixfootcandy

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

@JBWogan

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

@chuuew

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

@liv_thatsme

(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)

Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS

@joshgondelman

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”